If only you knew. If only you knew what was going on around us right now. What I wouldn't give to be nestled up warm; the steady, predictable sound of a beating heart full of power and reassurance around me. Dear baby, this world is becoming quite challenging. You see, on the outside, there is more fear, concern, and uncertainty than perhaps I've ever experienced before. They say I can continue going to my doctor appointments while taking a few extra precautions. But I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to make sure you're okay and I'm not sure if that means going to the clinic, or avoiding the clinic. Should I prepare more than I thought for extended days in isolation with you, or am I being paranoid? After all, most healthy people and children recover just fine...right? As the days draw near to meeting you soon, I am being faced with such devastating decisions. I've had visions in my head of what your birth day will look like. Now I'm not sure who I will have by my side as I labor and sway with sweat on my body and tears in my eyes; working hard to bring you into this world. But...you and I will be a constant. You're with me through this all, baby. And I am right there with you.
This challenge we are facing together is not ideal. I so wish I could keep you inside just a little while longer. I pray the Lord's arms of comfort for us right now baby, because I'm not sure I can do this alone. But again, you're with me through it all.
I wish your grandma could see you at your tiniest. I wish your big sister could be there when you make your way out into this world. I wish I could have the big family celebration of your daddy announcing, "it's a BOY!" to our anxious gathering of family and friends in the waiting room just like in the movies. But we can't. How I wish I could change things. I suppose in some regard, this is preparing me for being your mother. I know there will be many things I cannot fix for you and still, I hope my love will be enough. When you turn 5 and I scramble with family and friends to find a place and time we can all agree on to celebrate your birthday, I will think back to this time and be grateful we can all be together celebrating your life. Maybe this quarantine won't be so bad. Maybe, it will allow me the time to slow down and take every inch and smile of yours, in. Maybe we will make memories together as a family and learn to lean on each other more through times of struggle.
The one thing I know without a shadow of a doubt is this will make us stronger. It has to. With so many uncertainties going on right now, I am certain that your smile and tiny toes will bring me the joy and peace I need at this exact moment. I know that no matter who is by my side when you breathe your first breath, you will take my breath away. I know that no matter what life looks like right now, I WILL take you to the zoo to see zebras in person and watch your eyes light up as you admire their contrasting stripes. I know, baby. I'm certain that you are exactly what I need in these moments of uncertainty. Dear baby, when you come out, it is going to be perfect.
Author: Mariah Parang
The Omaha Baby Nest
Childbirth & Postpartum Doula
Certified Lactation Counselor